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Review: Scream 4

April 15th, 2011

Fifteen years after the original 90′s thriller that revived one genre, and kicked off an entirely new meta-based sub genre, the original gang is back and, of course, screaming their lungs out. It’s been ten years since Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) , Gail Weathers (Courtney Cox), and Deputy Dewey (David Arquette) last ran in with the now iconic Ghostface killer. A lot has gone on in the time lapsed, in our world, in entertainment, in the movie’s universe, and, of course, the movie’s meta-universe film-in-a-film universe. And just as the first trilogy did last century, this new installment not only has its finger on the pulse of modern pop-culture, but slices it open it with witty, bloody abandon.

As you may tell already, I enjoyed Scream 4. First I am going to discuss some more technical aspects of why I enjoyed the film, why I  recommend it, and my rating.  Afterward all that I’ll drill  into the core of why I enjoyed it so much, which cuts to the bone of its premise and includes a few spoilers. But I’ll explain why I think Scream 4 is not only a good sequel, but a good stand-alone satire on pop-culture.

So, first, pre-spoiler praise: Scream 4 holds up well after a decade of absence from the pop-culture stage. This gap in its history has been used very well to actually emphasize just why it is so on top of teen-scene (another sub genre owed to Scream creator, Kevin Williamson, practically the reason the WB lasted as long as it did). Remember, the first one came out in 1996 and the last one in 2000. Can you even remember how it was to live in those pre-cellular days? For a movie whose basis rests firmly on telecommunications, the differences between the original and the fourth film are immediate immediately.  For example, in the first film, news of Casey Becker’s (Drew Barrymore) death came by tv news and rumor and it spread like wildfire…as in as slow as flames over a grass field. In this fourth installment, a decade and a half later, 20 cell phones go off in the middle of a high school classroom to let the student body know that one of its own was brutally murdered.

The ageing also offered more meat for the actors to chew on, character-wise. Sidney has written a memoir in an attempt to rid herself of past demons, drop the role of victim, and move on with her life. Her book tour  ends in her old hometown on the anniversary of the killings as a symbol to herself for her freedom. While back home she reconnects with family, like our new heroine Jill (Emma Roberts), Sidney’s cousin. Gail and Dewey have been married since the last film (whose last sequence included his proposal). But while Dewey has grown into the responsibilities of town Sheriff, Gail, the hard-hitting journalist, is beginning to grow tired and frustrated by her confined life to the small mountain community. With their age comes another angle: Sidney is now the wise adult in a cast of fresh new teens, mentor especially to her young cousin, who, along with her friends, are now being targeted.

Of the new cast, a few are not very deep, while some shine and genuinely earn our sympathy. But all still manage to get the sharp, witty teenage banter dialogue that is a hallmark of Kevin Williamson (see Dawson’s Creek). While acting in a slasher film isn’t the kind to garner Oscars, there are two that stand out as not just good for Scream, but actually as good actors. Rory Culkin plays, Charlie, a film geek and aspiring Randy wannabe, who of course was the fan favorite in the first two Screams played by Jamie Kennedy. But that’s not a bad role, so much as an already self-aware script pointing out just how self-aware the town of Woodsboro has become after decades of mass murder coverage and hype. His high school film club essentially worship the Stab movies (Scream’s meta-universe movie-in-a-movie counterpart) as a defining tome for their community. Rory Culkin I have already been a fan of since Signs back in 2002. Plus he’s acting as a film geek obsessed with the hot girl that barely acknowledges he exists? Yeah, I’m a little biased on loving his part in this.

Hayden Panettiere however, I was skeptical of, coming in. I liked her in Heroes, but that was a huge ensemble cast and she didn’t stand out much, nor did the material let her as an actress. In Scream 4 she plays Kirby, the feisty, hot-girl best friend of Sidney’s cousin, Jill. Not the central role, but best-friend of the protagonist roles are always pivotal, and she has a huge share of fun dialogue. It doesn’t hurt either that she’s focus of Charlie’s crush, and not to mention quite the horror film geek herself.

Technically the film looks great. Has a gritty feel like the first two screams that I thought was sorely lacking in the third installment with its gaudy Hollywood movie set setting. Scream 4 takes the franchise right back to where it started, in quiet, secluded Woodsboro. Obviously, director Wes Craven is very comfortable filming horror in small towns. The one thing I did not like at all in this installment was the music. In the first film pop songs were used extensively to set mood and also play over the film’s credits. The soundtrack was a good collection. In this one, music, scoring included, seems to take a back seat to making sure the plot is presented cohesively and more blood and gore. Now I of course don’t mind a fourth installment trying so hard in those areas, but music should have been used to help, it should not have been overlooked.

So, overall, I gave Scream 4 a 7 out of 10. Compare that to my 8 for Scream and 8 for Scream 2 (and ignoring the 3 I gave to Scream 3), and I whole-heartedly recommend seeing this one in theaters. The story is good, the original cast is back, the acting is fun to watch, and I love the premise  (discussed more after this wrap-up).  If you’re a horror fan, you’ll enjoy it, if you’re a Scream fan, you’ll absolutely love it.

Now for the juicy bits. Firstly, I do not give away the ending! I would never perpetrate such a horrible cinema faux pas. But I do discuss the premise of the film in more detail and talk about a couple plot points that are irrelevant to the mystery itself. So feel free to read on if you don’t mind knowing just a couple things before going to the theater. But, for purists, Beware, here be spoilers:

Why did I feel Scream 4 was able to live up to the original in a world flooded with remakes, reboots, sequels, and knock-offs? In fact, that is why I feel this movie was so well done. The self-referential motif’s of the Scream films is what defines it. You cannot watch a Scream movie and not be thrown into a pool of film trivia, from horror to classics, from technique to style. So in this world of remakes, that is exactly what Scream has to comment on. It’s right there in the sequence of the films: the first Scream was about horror films, the second about sequels, the third about trilogies. Now here is the fourth installment, fresh for 2011 to show us how to properly make a horror reboot. And be sure, there are rules to making a reboot, and be doubly sure that you better learn them if you want to survive it.

Right off the bat with the opening scene we are thrown off balance with a fake intro that turns out to be a Stab movie being watched by the real(?) characters. We are the audience watching an audience watching a film that itself self-aware. And at every layer (including us, the realer(?) characters) there are comments on what such shit horror films have become and how even with the awareness of being shit, it’s all just as predictable and lazy as ever. Meta-humor layered upon meta-humor layered upon black humor. It’s enough to make Descartes head explode (“I think you think that I think that you think that I am therefore you are?”) Scream 4 does not only pay homage to the original that made it possible, it literally worships it and does its best to reinvent it, all the while reassuring us that it can’t, just like Scream 2 did when ripping on sequels.

Further references to new advances in communication come up when Dewey is unable to keep a lid on the murders, not even aware that the entire story was leaked over the internet and has spread all over the country until Gail tells him. The media becomes a kind of character lurking in the background, as reports poke and prod around the victims to get statements. This media exposure becomes more central as Charlie explains the reboot rules to us, kindly pointing out how the killer needs to take the story to the next logical stage and film his murders for the world to see. This idea of our lives being broadcast to everyone is literally manifested in Charlie’s film-geek friend, Robbie (Erik Knudsen) who keeps a streaming web-cam strapped to his head for his vlog.

The technology of the new century and the premise of rebooting franchises come together in the central theme of coming to terms with living in a world where at any moment you can suddenly be on camera for all to see along with that public demanding you constantly reinvent yourself for their amusement.

For me, Scream 4 not only succeeds as a horror film and a sequel, but as a stand-alone film about our media-savvy audiences, crazy spot-light-seeking celebrities, and the odd relationship between where they demand and beg each other for approval. As if it were a companion piece to the first film, it’s another great satire on pop-culture.

Movie Review

Review: Battle: LA’

March 13th, 2011

I’ve been waiting over a decade for a movie like this. Not only since I saw Independence Day, but also since reading H. G. Wells’ War of the Worlds. There was always something missing from the very saturated sub-genre of alien invasion films. That one element, maybe obviously, was realism. But how do you depict something so fantastical as realistic. Alien contact is one of the few subjects of art that has literally never been before experienced by a human. Because of that, a lot of leeway is given by audiences ready to accept any interpretation offered; from sappy ID4, through surreal Skyline, the almost textbook The Arrival, monster-driven Blob or Thing, red-scare Invasion of the Body Snatchers, or character-driven theme-laden Signs. That’s some range. (I do not include the beautifully made District 9 or nostalgic Day the Earth Stood Still because those are not invasions.)

The only thing that unites this wide range of plots, other than the premise, is how humanity, for all its weaknesses and technological inferiority, somehow manages to pull a Deus ex Machina out of its ass and pull off a win against odds so insurmountable it makes a lottery ticket look like a sound investment. There’s always one person that figures out the secret code or weakness, and just in the nick of time before our last defenses are breached. The only one that stands out is War of the Worlds, arguably the first alien-invasion story ever written, wherein humans actually don’t fend off the Martians, but instead need to be rescued by mother-nature itself as the invaders succumb to native bacteria to which we have long since become immune (guess the Martians weren’t smart enough to send a scouting party). But even that lacks realism, because if we can draw from any actual experience, it is never the invaders that are hit with disease. In fact, disease warfare has won over many indigenous populations very successfully.

But Battle: LA, the newest edition to the club, has brought something I’ve always wanted to see: a dash of realism. It achieves this partially through the point of view it gives us. One major distinction to be made between alien invasion stories is the pair of eyes with which it tells the story. ID4 gave omniscient eyes, letting us see over the whole scenario like spectators at a ball game; this gives audiences answers to basic questions like who, what, why, etc by way of scenes involving the military and government officials. Another POS is showcased in Signs, told through a very limited scope of one family as they experience the events around them; this gives the audience no answers at all and we are left to speculate with the characters.

Battle: LA, however, manages to mix both perspectives.  The story follows a military platoon, specifically Staff Sergeant Nantz. We see through these regimented eyes the first notifications of “meteors” en route for Earth and through the realization that they are no mere pieces of space rock. This unique limited view is dropped into the very system that normally offers the audience omniscient questions. So we do get some answers, but they are given to us as the characters receive them from their commanders and reconnaissance. This technique is more visceral, and while not entirely true to the method of Showing rather than Telling, it comes closer than other films.

After a very brief briefing, we’re airdropped into battle with the soldiers and left to fend for ourselves. It doesn’t take very long for anyone to realize there will be little exposition as we run for our lives.

Dragging us through hell is the common ragtag, multi-ethnic band of troops. Only a few precious minutes is given to reveal who is retiring in a week, who’s expecting a baby, who’s engaged, and who’s the young battle-virgin. However, trite it sounds on the page or in retrospect; it is shown with a respect for the individual characters as in a cohesive unit and not to deliberately pull at fake emotions. Most of the characterizations are made through actions.

And there is plenty of action through which the characters are revealed. Battle: LA excels not only in its home genre, but is a very good war film. More akin to Black Hawk Down, than District 9, since the limited point of view doesn’t give the audience anymore intelligence than the main characters. Once we are in the heart of the battle, there are no more scenes outside hell. The fighting is up-close and in-your-face. It plays out like an urban guerrilla war with the invaders treated as combatants both by the characters and the camera. These are not creatures to stop and understand, they’re hostiles to be killed or avoided. Explosions echo and bullets ricochet everywhere in the congested Los Angeles streets. The atmosphere is very constricted and claustrophobic, which ups the adrenaline and keeps the story rooted in realism: this is happening right here in our backyard.

Action, while ample in this visual-effects-filled explosion extravaganza, is also a theme. Several times it is noted that no matter what decision is made, a decision must be made. While simplistic in scope, it cements the characters and audience in the moment and emphasizes the fact that they are in the midst of a war and need to survive. The theme itself drives the plot forward.

Rounding out the “sci” in this still very science-fiction-based war story, the invaders are perfectly represented. On film they look amazing, but only for the few seconds you’re able to focus on them in the midst of all the gunfire. Their tactics and alien technology are the right mix of advancement and plausibility that marks all great science-fiction. There are no force-fields, laser-guns, or machines that just won’t die. They are an advanced race but they are a civilization like us. During one rare moment of calm when a solider is able to reflect on their predicament he makes what I think is a very introspective comment on how the invaders “are just a bunch of grunts following orders like us.”

Without giving away too much, there are, of course, the familiar tropes you must recognize from such a highly represented sub-genre. But, again, with that added touch of realism, none of them feel forced; instead they grow out of the characters’ actions in a way that is not just plausible, but as if it had to happen that way.

In the end, you will be left satisfied and feeling that this is how the Alien Invasion story SHOULD look. And it looks amazing.

Movie Review

Review: Avatar

December 19th, 2009
Amazing. It’s unreal. I take off my 3D glasses after the credits roll and I feel exactly as Jake
Sully does after he steps out of the machine that lets him control his alien body. I feel like I
have literally stepped out of some other world and back into our own. This is the depth of the
experience that is Avatar. I did not watch the movie, I was in it. I was there on Pandora deep in
the jungle amidst the ferns, the bugs, the wildlife, and the people who live there.
James cameron has come back after twelve years of being crowed king of the world to take us to a
completely different world he has created out of the latest advances in filmmaking technology. The
story he tells is a familiar one, filled with familiar themes of conservation versus wasteful
destruction and appreciating the world you live in versus taking what you want from it. But you
have never experienced this story in this way before.
To call the film immersive while talking about the three-dimensional perspectives is misleading.
Cameron has carefully picked and honed his story to introduce to audiences to the proper use of
three-dimensional technology. Because it is not just the image that is immersive, it is the story
itself, as well as the fictional world he has created. The planet of Pandora is a lush, tropical
world, full of exotic creatures and plants that are some of the best imagined I can remember in a
film depicting an alien world. While at the same time it is engrossingly familiar with the green
trees, blue waters, herbivorous, lumbering giants, sleek and fast carnivores chasing after them,
and plants and flowers that cover the entire surface.
To watch the movie is to take a stroll with Jake Sully (Sam Worthington), a marine who has been
chosen to pilot an Avatar. A labrotory-grown hybrid between a human and a Na’vi, the native
population of the planet. At this point I’ll point out for the geeks that, in fact, Pandora is a
moon, orbiting a blue gas giant planet that looms large in the sky beautifully in nearly every
night shot, like the most romantic full moon you could imagine that takes up half the sky.
Jake joins the team of Dr. Grace Augustine (Sigourney Weaver) who are the scientific/diplotmatic
representatives of the human race on the planet, and of course, the team is a measely dozen
scientists that try to study the planet and its people among the hundreds of mercenaries that
protect the Company’s interest. Representing those interests is Parker Selfridge (Giovanni Ribisi)
who is cold as ice in his descriptions of the reason they are there (a mineral that nets a
staggering 20 million dollars a kilo) and his lack of sympathy for the natives in the way of the
shareholders interests. The Company’s determination in taking what they want is personified by the
grizzled Colonel Miles Quaritch (Stephen Lang) who plays the part of uncaring, aggressive, might-
makes-right antagonist to perfection.
Those are the humans. After the quick introduction of their characters and their motives, Jake,
and we along with him, are thrown into the jungle. We have to step easy through the unfamiliar
territory, brush the leaves out of our faces, and bat the gnats away. Then we need to run from the
growling set of jaws that means to make our visit a short one. And Jake runs into Neytiri (Zoe
Saldana) and introduces us into her tribe. It is with her guidance that Jake is shown the real
Pandora. The beautiful world to run through, to dive into, and to fly above. The landscape takes
on its own personality. It is awe-inspiring in the least.
I will be the first to admit the plot may be predictable, the conflict easy to see from light-
years away. But sometimes the point of a story is not to be unpredictable, but to simply matter.
There are dozens of films that sport twists and surprises but in no make you care for the people
that are twisting. As always in Cameron’s films, it is the characters that push the story forward. You will end up being pulled into the world and fall in love with every aspect of it just as Jake Sully, and like him you will not want to leave.
That is how the three-dimensions are used so effectively. They are used as a tool to engross you in the story and character, not as gimmicks. The history of 3D movies is full of, until now
was made up entire of, silly tricks and gags to make children giggle and teenage girls scream.
Balls would be thrown at the screen, bubbles would float over the audience, an arrow or knife
would cut through the screen, and then the boring plot would continue. The story and the effects
were both oblivious and irrelevant to each other. However, this is not itself a bad thing, most
new technologies are introduced this way. Indeed one of the first films ever was nothing more than
a shot of an oncoming train that caused a panic and sent audiences screaming for their lives out
of the theater over a hundred years ago.
After what seems a hundred years of 3D movies being laughed at as silly, Avatar brings the
technology to fruition. Avatar is not a movie you watch, you experience it. It is an experience
that you will no where else. I implore everyone to make sure they experience it in its intended
IMAX 3D format. You should not wait to see Avatar on blu-ray on a tiny television screen, and that
includes anyone that thinks their 60 inch LCD HDTVs are special. Any tv of any size will be flat
and bland in comparison. Which is why I intend to see Avatar in it’s all-immersive three
dimensions again.

Amazing. It’s unreal. I take off my 3D glasses after the credits roll and I feel exactly as Jake Sully does after he steps out of the machine that lets him control his alien body. I feel like I have literally stepped out of some other world and back into our own. This is the depth of the experience that is Avatar. I did not watch the movie, I was in it. I was there on Pandora deep in the jungle amidst the ferns, the bugs, the wildlife, and the people who live there.

James Cameron has come back after twelve years of being crowed king of the world to take us to a completely different world he has created out of the latest advances in filmmaking technology. The story he tells is a familiar one, filled with familiar themes of conservation versus wasteful destruction and appreciating the world you live in versus taking what you want from it. But you have never experienced this story in this way before.

To call the film immersive while talking about the three-dimensional perspectives is misleading. Cameron has carefully picked and honed his story to introduce to audiences to the proper use of three-dimensional technology. Because it is not just the image that is immersive, it is the story itself, as well as the fictional world he has created. The planet of Pandora is a lush, tropical world, full of exotic creatures and plants that are some of the best imagined I can remember in a film depicting an alien world. While at the same time it is engrossingly familiar with the green trees, blue waters, herbivorous, lumbering giants, sleek and fast carnivores chasing after them, and plants and flowers that cover the entire surface.

To watch the movie is to take a stroll with Jake Sully (Sam Worthington), a marine who has been chosen to pilot an Avatar. A laboratory-grown hybrid between a human and a Na’vi, the native population of the planet. At this point I’ll point out for the geeks that, in fact, Pandora is a moon, orbiting a blue gas giant planet that looms large in the sky beautifully in nearly every night shot, like the most romantic full moon you could imagine that takes up half the sky.

Jake joins the team of Dr. Grace Augustine (Sigourney Weaver) who are the scientific/diplomatic representatives of the human race on the planet, and of course, the team is a measly dozen scientists that try to study the planet and its people among the hundreds of mercenaries that protect the Company’s interest. Representing those interests is Parker Selfridge (Giovanni Ribisi) who is cold as ice in his descriptions of the reason they are there (a mineral that nets a staggering 20 million dollars a kilo) and his lack of sympathy for the natives in the way of the shareholders interests. The Company’s determination in taking what they want is personified by the grizzled Colonel Miles Quaritch (Stephen Lang) who plays the part of uncaring, aggressive, might-makes-right antagonist to perfection.

Those are just the humans. After the quick introduction of their characters and their motives, Jake, and we along with him, are thrown into the jungle. We have to step easy through the unfamiliar territory, brush the leaves out of our faces, and bat the gnats away. Then we need to run from the growling set of jaws that means to make our visit a short one. And Jake runs into Neytiri (Zoe Saldana) and introduces us into her tribe full of its own band of characters and themes. It is with her guidance that Jake is shown the real Pandora. The beautiful world to run through, to dive into, and to fly above. The landscape takes on its own personality. It is awe-inspiring in the least.

I will be the first to admit the plot may be predictable, the conflict easy to see from light-years away. But sometimes the point of a story is not to be unpredictable, but to simply matter. There are dozens of films that sport twists and surprises but in no make you care for the people that are twisting. As always in Cameron’s films, it is the characters that push the story forward. You will end up being pulled into the world and fall in love with every aspect of it just as Jake Sully, and like him you will not want to leave.

That is how the three-dimensions are used so effectively. They are used as a tool to engross you in the story and character, not as gimmicks. The history of 3D movies is full of, until now was made up entire of, silly tricks and gags to make children giggle and teenage girls scream. Balls would be thrown at the screen, bubbles would float over the audience, an arrow or knife would cut through the screen, and then the boring plot would continue. The story and the effects were both oblivious and irrelevant to each other. However, this is not itself a bad thing, most new technologies are introduced this way. Indeed one of the first films ever was nothing more than a shot of an oncoming train that caused a panic and sent audiences screaming for their lives out of the theater over a hundred years ago.

After what seems a hundred years of 3D movies being laughed at as silly, Avatar brings the technology to fruition. Avatar is not a movie you watch, you experience it. It is an experience that you will no where else. I implore everyone to make sure they experience it in its intended IMAX 3D format. You should not wait to see Avatar on blu-ray on a tiny television screen, and that includes anyone that thinks their 60 inch LCD HDTVs are special. Any tv of any size will be flat and bland in comparison. Which is why I intend to see Avatar in it’s all-immersive three dimensions again.

Movie Review

Review: The Road

December 13th, 2009

I am not happy. I’m not angry. I’m just sad. Not sad the movie was no good, because it was very good…if you can call paying to be depressed good. I read the Pulitzer Prize winning book by Cormac McCarthy (author of No Country For Old Men), so I knew what I was getting into.

The setting is a bleak distant future…I hope. The time is never given, nor the exact location, not even the Father and Son’s real names given. Such things are not important anymore. Only survival is important. This is not a dystopia like Blade Runner, it’s not an action-filled barbarian-run thug society either. It’s simply the End. Food is running out, no more grows. Trees are dying all around, there is no more wildlife. There is literally nothing.

The images are disturbing in ways that drama I Am Legend could never reach and yet as eerily familiar, while without the tongue-in-cheek humor, of the comedy Zombieland.

That’s it, that’s all I can say. Like Viggo Mortensen’s character says, “there’s no more tales left to tell.” Things like that just don’t matter. Sure there are cannibals, but there’s no time to feel disgusted, you have to run. There’s no food, but there’s no point in whining about it, just keep looking for some.

If you want to experience gripping story about a Father protecting his Son against the greatest of odds, if you want to sit for a few hours and witness the darkest hour any movie has ever portrayed the human race going through, if you think you can handle it to get to the hope I’m sure you think must be at the end (whether it is or not), then you should make an effort to see this film.

One line captures why people write and then read these stories, by the Father as he narrates: “I told the boy when you dream about bad things happening, it means you’re still fighting and you’re still alive. It’s when you start to dream about good things that you should start to worry.”

Movie Review

America’s Offended!…maybe

November 16th, 2009

So this is the country we live in. A country that has once again chosen its values through the new voting booth that is the cash register.

Outrage! Scandal! “How dare you!” say the offended parties that look upon a bright orange jumpsuit topped with an (outer space) alien. The costume that made waves this year was nothing but a walking pun, and oh, how I love puns. The costume, titled “Illegal Alien”, was a play on words used to describe those that immigrate to our country around the legal means. Compared to the demons, witches, and grotesqueries that flock the streets Halloween night, and against the slutty nurses, cops, maids, or any other perverted uniformed position on Dress-Like-A-Slut day, this incarcerated ET should seem harmless.

But no, activist groups and even politicians needed to voice their offense at the large black eyed prisoner. Advocates, mind you, for those people that are breaking the law (irony anyone?) They bitched so much that the costumes needed to be pulled from store shelves and web pages. We will not have such vile abominations in our country!….now here, buy the knife and fake blood, pretend you’re a killer instead and threaten old people for candy.

Oh, and don’t forget, you’re ohmygodsoawesome Twilight: New Moon bracelets! OMG They are to die for! Literally.

Yes, while a simple stereotypical joke is a no-no, a bracelet marketed to teen girls with the message “I’d rather die than be with anyone but you” should be a must have accessory! Sold conveniently next to the razor blades and by the pharmacy. Now I know that Twilight has been bashed for years now (and rightly so) and seems old news, but this suicide-endorsing product is the manifestation of why I believe those so-called stories are harmful. Not only is the story about a girl that falls in love for his stalker (oh, but he’s soooo dreamy!), but the second part of the self-entitled “saga” tells how the girl is so enamored by her undead stalker that when he leaves her she tries to kill herself.

If there are any of you left that have read the words “teen girl” and “suicide” and have not yet realized what type of danger this message sends to our youth, then I propose you are part of the problem. Part of a culture that has made it clear penis is dirty and vagina is a mark of shame and must be hidden under childish euphemisms like pee-pee and hoo-hoo (what the fuck? these sound like Hostess cakes!). Part of that same culture that while decrying sex is evil and dirty, that violence not only ok, but a staple of the 10 o’clock news.

I almost hate to complain about this. Whenever anyone else cries “offensive!”, such as for the aforementioned costume, I normally reply “get over it!” I agree with Richard Dawkins, no one has the right to not be offended. If you want freedom, then deal with it. However, I don’t remember Harry Potter telling anyone to jump off a cliff. Yet I hear he’s to be burned as a witch.

Thoughts

Disrespect for Physics By Crazy Motorcyclists!

October 30th, 2009

I received a chain email today showing the result of a motorcycle crash into a VW Golf. Obviously a tragic event and I don’t want to start slinging blame about a situation I don’t know…but that’s what the Internet is for isn’t it? So of course, any articles I find on the accident are all blogs (I know, just like this one) or silly post sites like Digg, and they all scream the same thing: “woman on cell phone!” “Cell phone!” “distracted driver!”

This pisses me off for two reasons. One, now that I live in California I have to deal with one of the oddest laws I have ever encountered (scarier than Florida’s allowance to kill anyone that merely threatens you!). The law allows motorcycles to drive between lanes, to pass between cars. Did you read that? I know it’s simple, sounds too simple to be a problem. But it’s scary as shit. Minding your business in rush hour, surrounded by fellow commuters, enjoying the radio, and SWOOSH! a fucking bike screams passed your window INCHES from your door. Now imagine how that feels at 80 mph on the highway. And this is around LA, with some of the oldest highways crisscrossing the land in the oddest configurations you can imagine, and they’re PACKED! These aren’t 20 foot wide lanes, they’re congested, old, small lanes. It’s insane. So now that I live out here, my suspicion goes first to the biker, always. They are nuts out here.

Two, these other articles show a blatant disrespect for physics. I hate that shit. The VW was pulling out from a cross street. That means it was not a highway. It was a local road. And the bike was going 85 miles an hour?! No one seems to care that this dude was flying down a residential area at 124 feet per SECOND. It takes at least 4 or 5 seconds to cross a road or enter a road from a stop. The bike would travel over 600 feet in that time. That’s half the height of the Empire State Building!!! The unfortunate VICTIM driver may as well of been shot by a gun, cell phone or not. There was no chance of seeing that biker coming and even if she did, of calculating correctly in time how insanely (and homicidally) fast he was going.

Here is the email as I received it:

 

Do you see the motorcycle?


The Honda crotch rocket rider was traveling at approximately 85 mph. 

The VW driver was talking on a cell phone when she pulled out from a side street, apparently not seeing the motorcycle. 

The riders reaction time was not sufficient enough to avoid this accident..

 The car had two passengers and the bike rider was found INSIDE the car with them. 

The Volkswagen actually flipped over from the force of impact and landed 20 feet from where the collision took place. 

All three involved (two in the car and the bike rider) were killed instantly.

 This graphic demonstration was placed at the Motorcycle Fair by the Police and Road Safety Department.  

Pass this on to car drivers or soon to be new drivers, or new motorcycle owners AND ESPECIALLY EVERYONE YOU KNOW WHO HAS A CELL PHONE!!!!! 

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Thoughts

Conservative or Liberal?

October 20th, 2009

I was talking with a friend about movies and I told him I didn’t want to see Paranormal Activity because I usually stay up late at night and it gets creepy when I’ve just seen a movie like that. Same thing happened when I saw The Ring; I just stared at the tv for an hour before I could fall asleep! He said it didn’t make any sense becuase I am not spiritual in the metaphysical sense and that I should not be scared of ghosts. (which is true, but leave me alone, i know which ones of you are scared of clowns!)

He said “I’m never gonna figure you out!”. Indeed it was not the first time I’ve made someone go “wtf? that’s completely backwards! how can you think that?” I agree, I am very contradictory at times. During political discussions most of all. I bounce back between democrat and republican, conservative and liberal, only to vote for third party!

What do you think? Am I conservative or liberal? Ask me anything, I’ll give my yay or nay on it! And we’ll try to figure it out from there.

Thoughts

God Bless You

September 25th, 2009

Even though I’m atheist, and I know most people would think that is the reason, I have never had a religious problem with saying “god bless you” after a sneeze. It always just seemed silly.

We all grow up just learning it through experience. We sneeze, someone says it. So we learn to say it when someone sneezes. Seems so innocent. And it is. But that does not mean it’s pointless and silly.

Four things I remember from when I was a kid made me think about it. One was learning actually what the gesture is. Apparently, hundreds of years ago (you know, when burning witches was fun social event and exorcisms was cutting-edge medicine) people thought your soul was a physical part of you that was trying to escape (or was being stolen by satan) in the form of your sneeze. So saying “god bless you” quickly put your soul back inside where it belonged. Yeah…I wasn’t even an atheist yet and I thought that was stupid.

Then I saw an episode of Seinfeld where the gang decides saying “god bless you” is silly and replace it with “you’re so good looking!” You don’t want to hear anything about god when you’re sick, you want to be cheered up! It was funny to watch how stupid they looked when they said the phrase so meaninglessly after an ejection of mucus. Almost satire. But really just classic Seinfeld.

Thirdly, I have incredibly bad allergies. Especially when I lived in Florida. Anti-histamines were a staple of my diet. So whenever I did have an allergy attack, I’d average about a dozen sneezes a minute. You can imagine how a dozen “god bless yous” a minute can get really, really annoying. Religious or not, I just wanted people to shut the hell up.

Finally, what really put me off about it was the incredible amount of dogmatic attitude behind the gesture. If I ever forgot to say the damn phrase I’d be met with “I sneezed!” with the still snot-coated nose now upturned. “Good for you?” “Want a cookie?” “Get over yourself?” But really, what was a kid to say…sigh, “god bless you.”

Years later at work I convinced my department saying “god bless you” was weird but to make work a little more fun (IT Departments are the best) we decided to replace it…with “fuck you!” For several days that was the scene in the office: ACHOO! “Fuck you!” “Hey fuck you, too!” and then laughter and checking the door was closed.

That hilarity had to stop, unfortunately, after Bobby came in one day and immediately told us all we needed to stop since he was apparently so well indoctrinated to the new custom he almost screamed “fuck you!” to his wife after she sneezed. He caught himself, thankfully, and we decided that was enough.

Recently, maybe a few months ago, Athena and I decided to completely stop saying anything after a sneeze. You don’t congratulate someone for urinating. High-five after a defecation. You don’t say a prayer after a cough. Why should the sneeze be any different.

After the first few weeks of awkward silence after a sneeze where we looked at each other, laughing at our attempts to stifle decades of automatic programming, the gesture eventually faded out of our lives like a forgotten goldfish.

But that was just for us. Everyone else still expects it. But they dont’ get it. And everyone else still says it when we sneeze, and I still say “thank you” to the misplaced prayer. But I still get that hint of an attitude every now and then, as if they think that I think I’m so much better than them because I don’t bless their soul when they shoot snot out of the front of their face.

Ah well. I think it’s a silly left over that has no place in a society with iPhones, computers, hybrid cars, and fast food.

Next on my list to rid the modern world of: holding doors open for women. I don’t mind it that much, I like being nice, indeed I hold the door for men, too, if they’re right behind me. But what I do want to start, is allowing any man to smack any woman in the face that walks through an open door I’m holding without even acknowledging my existence, as if I had to do it. Maybe if we could just trip them…?

Uncategorized

Video Games: Fantasy Anyone?

September 21st, 2009

So, I’m just chatting with a friend. Not about anything particular, “how ya doins”,
weather, BS, crap like that. Eventually I end up telling him how I bought this new video
game. He tells me, “you know, why do you spend so much time on that game? Just go
out and kill a real hooker! Sell some real drugs! If you spent half as much time beating up
the competition as you do playing that game, you could be a real drug lord.” Needless to
say, I told him Grand Theft Auto was just a game. I don’t actually do drugs, or like real
life violence. And I told him I felt he’s a little psychotic, honestly.

But yet again, a few weeks later he’s back at it! “I don’t get why you spend so
much time on that game! If you spent half the amount of time driving as you do with that
controller you’d be able to do a real flat-spin off a three hundred foot tall cliff!” This guy
definitely has some problems. I tell him it’s just a fantasy. I don’t really want to race
around crowded city streets and slam opponents into buildings and buses! Well, maybe I
do a little. But I’m not going to! It’s just a game!

It’s not just video games either! I was playing Monopoly with another friend
when he came over when we were in the middle of the game. “You know, if you spent
half as much time investing in actual real estate, you’d own a whole town by now!” He’s
clearly insane.

Then I tell him about the Wii and how awesome it is. Now I know something is
mentally wrong with my friend. “I don’t get why you spend so much time swinging that
remote around so much! Why don’t you get a sword and a horse and a magic flute and go
rescue a REAL princess?” Ugh, good lord. “If you spent half as much time riding horses
and burning random bushes and trees, you’d have your own red ring by now!” Umm, it’s
really not possible for me to do any of that! Is he completely detached from reality? This
guy is really annoying.

Most recently I bought Guitar Hero, and, you guessed it, he’s back at it! “If you
spent half as much time practicing a real guitar as you do with that toy, you could be in a
band!” This time I just punched him in his stupid face. Not only is it insulting because I
really cannot in anyway play an instrument but because it insults my intelligence. I’ve
tried, many, many times on many, many instruments to learn to play anything that could
considered even BAD music. I can’t do it. Some people just cannot. I can write better
code than most programmers out there. I can memorize an entire movie. And, so I’ve
heard on a really cool website, I’m a poet. But, alas, I cannot play, or even read, music.
And it’s insulting to think I don’t know the difference between a video game and a real
guitar.

Guitar Hero is a game! The next person that tells me to play a real
instrument…gets punched in the face…for real. I can actually do that in real life; not just
video games. And you know what? I STILL enjoy Mortal Kombat!

Link to this comic: Ctrl+Alt+Del
guitar hero

Thoughts

Review: Gamer

September 14th, 2009

There are few feelings I love when, after I have entered a movie theater in a mopey mood, not entirely there on my own, but just there to do something on an otherwise boring day, that I slowly come to realize that I am in for a great ride. Before the credits for Gamer even start (during the now over-the-top animated logo for any company that helped produce the movie and their mothers) Marilyn Manson’s cover of Sweet Dreams began, immediately and appropriately setting the tone for what would be incredibly revolting yet deeper than it first appears. For the more hardcore gamers out there, you may recognize, as I did, the nod to Doom 2, which shares the music for Manson’s this cover (which itself is taken from Ozzy Osborne’s Crazy Train!) in the level Demon’s Head (all three pieces are on my playlist on this site).

The opening sequence jumps right into the action of a full scale battle. We follow Kable (Gerard Butler) through the hellish warzone that is bloodier than most war films. It is surreal as the realistic visceral violence is set to the tempo and manners of a video game. There are obvious “noob” players whose character, called Slayers, is not functioning quite right, NPC bots that walk around mindlessly, the characters scroll through there weapons unnaturally like in a FPS, there is even one player tea bagging a corpse. It was at that point I was almost rolling in the aisle laughing.

But I wasn’t laughing at the movie. I had expected a silly concept made up by suits to get kids off controllers and into theaters, but instead saw the movie as made by people who actually do know and like games, but had something to admit about their destructive nature. A lot of people have slammed the movie as brainless violence and no plot, I would have to rebut that they are the ones being mindless. Even if the satire is literally drenched in entrails, it’s still there.

The film plays homage to Blade Runner and Robocop by showing the future of our society having sunk into a dystopia of a corporate-run civilization, with ads, banners, and billboards covering every available square inch. However, unlike the older films, this once cliché of future settings is eerily familiar here. We learn through the media (news and talk shows, again not unlike Robocop) about the man responsible for Slayers, Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall, TVs Dexter), who is a mix of Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, and Hannibal Lecter.

The movie’s satire is subtle while the devices used to show it are insanely in-your-face. We learn of the precursor to the game Slayer was one called Society. It is literally The Sims as played out by live human beings. A player logs in, dresses their character (or undresses, most of the time), and then completely controls the actions of that human. I don’t know how much is common knowledge about chat rooms and online forums, but trust me, the scenes of fetishes, freaks, fornication, and drugs are, unfortunately, so true-to-life it’s depressing. Like the gaming in-jokes from slayers, the society scene has references to online culture. The funniest bit are the attractive, young, vibrant actors that are paid to let their bodies be controlled by the…not so attractive players, which is visualized by the most disturbing…ugh…image, that I have had the displeasure to see (or even remember seeing).

The plot itself is standard formula of good guys in bad situations learning about bad guys and having to go fight them to save their family. It focuses mainly on the technology of being able to control another human being and the ethics and opportunities that come with that. There is a bit of mystery, such as in The Matrix, as the world is never really what it seems to be. The computer interfaces shown also reminded me of Minority Report which is widely known in the technology world for its clear screens manipulated by combinations of hand gestures. However, what makes Gamer stand apart from all the sci-fi of the past, is that this movie is not inventing new technology, it’s extrapolating current prototypes. Microsoft already had demos of a game system that reacts to human body gestures alone, the iPhone is changing the standards of any user-interface, and nanotechnology is rapidly becoming a reality. Gamer may be science-fiction, but the science in it is in no way fictitious.

While the plot is simple I am a strong believer that it doesn’t matter what the story is that you are telling, it matters how you tell it. The directors, Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, first garnered my attention with Crank in 2006, starring Jason Statham. I immediately loved their style of jerky cameras, fast cutting, faster paced storytelling, and eccentric visuals normally reserved for death-metal videos and goth-kids’ poems. Gamer is definitely not for those with a weak stomach or those who become nauseous watching shakey-cam.

The soundtrack is fun and put to good use to both carry the action as well as the dark-comedy. The action is raw and intense and practically non-stop. The acting is on par, neither good or bad since it is simply not integral to the story. However, there are many cameos to be found of actors from cult-favorite TV and film.

Overall I had a great time seeing the movie. I cannot decide, though, if it is a 7 or 8 out of 10. On the one hand I enjoyed it immensely and got all the “easter eggs”. However, if you are not a gamer yourself (do you know what an “easter egg” is?) then you may not like the movie Gamer.

Movie Review